In a move that has sent shockwaves through the city’s most exclusive brunch tables, residents of the Upper East Side have announced plans to secede from New York City and merge with Palm Beach, citing “irreconcilable differences” with Assemblymember Zohran Mamdani and a newfound appreciation for subtropical zoning laws.

“We’ve tried everything—open letters, charity galas, even threatening to summer in the Hamptons full-time,” said longtime UES socialite Bitsy Van der Hoven, her pearls clinking in shared indignation. “But enough is enough. If we wanted this much socialism, we’d just move to Brooklyn and be done with it.”

The proposed “Secession & Merger” would see the Upper East Side detach from Manhattan and make its way south, powered by a convoy of luxury yachts and the collective willpower of its residents. Upon arrival, the neighborhood would immediately apply for annexation, along with an exemption from hurricane season.

Assemblymember Mamdani could not be reached for comment, as he was reportedly busy conspiring with the ghost of Karl Marx on a five-year plan for price-controlled bagels.