Incoming Mayor Zohran announced today his plan to cancel July 4th celebrations across New York City, citing “systemic firework inequity” and the “exclusionary nature of hot dogs.”
“Independence Day is a relic of an unequal past,” Zohran declared at a press conference held on the steps of City Hall, flanked by a diverse array of tofu-based grillables. “Until every resident, regardless of ZIP code, receives an equal number of sparklers, we cannot in good conscience celebrate freedom.”
Gone are the days of red, white, and blue. This year, the city will observe “Equity Awareness Day,” a new holiday designed to foster inclusion and mutual respect. Instead of fireworks, residents are encouraged to participate in a citywide “Silent Sparkle”—waving biodegradable glitter wands in unison at sunset to symbolize unity without triggering air pollution or canine anxiety.
Traditional barbecues will be replaced by “Redistributed Potluck Picnics,” with city officials ensuring that no one receives more than their fair share of vegan potato salad. Meat-based grilling is strictly prohibited, as it has been deemed “insufficiently plant-forward,” and all buns must be gluten-free to avoid “wheat privilege.”
The annual Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest will be rebranded as the “Mindful Chewing Circle,” where participants meditate on the history of processed meats while sharing a single organic carrot.
Even the Pledge of Allegiance is getting a progressive update. Instead of pledging to the flag, New Yorkers will recite the “Oath of Mutual Understanding,” vowing to listen empathetically to their neighbors and never set off a firework without a city-issued Equity Permit.
When asked about the fate of the iconic Macy’s Fireworks Show, Zohran was firm: “Until every borough receives an equal share of pyrotechnic displays, there will be no fireworks. Equity is non-negotiable.”
As the city prepares for its first July 4th without fireworks, Zohran remains undeterred. “This is not about taking away joy,” he insisted. “It’s about ensuring everyone’s joy is exactly the same size, shape, and color.”
Happy Equity Awareness Day, New York.
