Mike Bloomberg: “Guess if you want a race won in New York, you really do have to spend a billion dollars and run yourself. Or at least buy more voters— I mean… consultants.”

Bill Ackman: “What does it take to buy an election around here? Can’t a man influence voters in peace?”

DoorDash: “We’re not worried. We own every other New York politician anyway. Plus, Mamdani just ordered a falafel through us, so we’re already working on the delivery fee surcharge.”

Billy Joel: “Well, Cuomo’s movin’ out—looks like only the good die young, but politicians just lose primaries. Maybe next time he’ll remember: it’s hard to start the fire when you’re already burned.”

Zohran’s Brother: “Asian families are all about competition, but this is ridiculous. Now Mom’s asking if I’m going to unseat Hochul next. Thanks a lot, bro.”