In a shocking revelation sure to rock the world of college admissions and interfaith potlucks alike, sources allege that New York Assemblyman Zohran Mamdani declared himself “proudly Ashkenazi” on his Columbia University application. According to the report, Mamdani’s essays described his plans to “attend every Chabad dinner,” lead the campus klezmer band, and single-handedly revive the lost art of gefilte fish poetry.

Chabad representatives, stunned by Mamdani’s detailed account of his family’s struggles with bagel discrimination, reportedly requested Columbia admissions fast-track his applicaiton. “We’d never seen anyone so committed to the cause of lox equity,” said one anonymous official, dabbing tears with a monogrammed yarmulke.

Mamdani’s extracurricular list included “Shofar soloist,” “Matzo ball soup innovator,” and “Inventor of the menorah drone show.” His personal statement, sources say, opened with the line: “As a boy growing up in Kampala, I always dreamed of one day finding myself at a Lower East Side deli, debating the merits of pastrami on rye.”

Rumors swirl that Mamdani even offered to host a Passover Seder in the Columbia quad, promising to hide the afikomen somewhere between Butler Library and the statue of Alma Mater.

When reached for comment, Mamdani neither confirmed nor denied his affinity for kugel, but did admit to “occasionally humming Hava Nagila in the shower.”

THE REAL STORY: This one is so ridiculous the headline was almost reality, so here’s the real story. Mamdani Identified as African American on his application to Columbia University, according to a recently hacked dataset from the institution. Read more from the New York Times here.